My husband and I were supposed to be working on our sex life – but is he gay?

DEAR DEIDRE: I thought my new husband and I were working on our lack of intimacy, but I’ve discovered the real reason behind our poor sex life – he is most likely gay.

I am not one to snoop but there is plenty of evidence on his phone of random meetups, pictures of his genitals and even a long text message exchange with a friend of his from his gym.


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They were flirting and talking about their feelings and “seeing where it might lead”. My husband was telling this man how much he turns him on and how he loves to kiss and hold him.

I am 42 and my husband is 44. It is a second marriage for both of us.

We have been married for just over a year. Despite being married for such a short time, my husband and I are rarely intimate, which is an issue I thought we were working on.

I have a high sex drive and he knows that I’m feeling frustrated and rejected.

He has told me that he thinks he may just have a lower libido and wonders if his stressful job is affecting him. 

We get along well apart from this. We laugh a lot and we are good together, or so I thought.

My husband doesn’t know what I’ve seen on his phone.

What makes it worse is that his friend has been to our home on numerous occasions as a guest. He is a single guy in his late 30s.

I feel humiliated at the thought they are laughing at me behind my back.

I feel guilty about snooping and I don’t know how to confront him about it all. In a way, I think I’m waiting for him to bring it up himself.

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Surely he doesn’t plan on leading this double life forever. 

I am devastated and confused about where we go from here.

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DEIDRE SAYS: Stop fretting about him finding out you’ve looked at his phone. What he is doing is far worse. Whether gay, bi or straight he is cheating and is very much in the wrong. Brushing it under the carpet won’t work so you must raise it with him.

Without talking to him, you won’t know what he is thinking which leaves you trying to respond to a situation with an incomplete picture.

There is no way your marriage can survive without help. He is probably very unhappy and torn over his sexual feelings.

He may love you dearly, but if he has strong gay feelings they are not going to be wished away.Insist you get help together to see whether he can realistically promise to be faithful in future.

You need to know where you stand. Contact www.tavistockrelationships.org, 0207 380 1960, who have online help available.

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