Kara Keough Bosworth shared a heartfelt essay dedicated to her late son in honor of National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day.
Bosworth, 31, began the letter, published by Good Morning America: “To My Fellow Loss Mom, I wish there was something else I could call you, something else I could call myself. ‘Angel Mom’ feels too fluffy, and ‘Bereaved Mother’ sounds like we should be wearing black lace and howling on our knees in a stone church somewhere.
“Don’t get me wrong,” she continued, “we’re absolutely still howling. But we’re doing it in yoga pants. Lululemons just do a better job of hiding our postpartum bellies and helping us avoid questions like, ‘When are you due?’ or worse, ‘How’s the baby?!’ That’s one thing even grief counselors don’t warn you about: how you’ll have to break the news of your child’s loss to strangers, insurance agents, employers, acquaintances, TSA agents, everyone.”
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You would have been three months old today. But instead, I’m three months into the deepest pain I’ve ever felt. I’ve survived three months when I didn’t think I’d live another three seconds. How has it been so long since I smelled you and felt your weight? Each day since you were born has felt like the longest day, a summer solstice of suffering. And yet, somehow, time is passing. Time is pushing on, moving my body begrudgingly into another day. Another day further away from the last time I held you in my arms. Who would you be today? Would you be blonde still, or bald? Would you smile bigger for mommy’s singing or with daddy’s beard tickling your belly? Would your sister be sneaking into your room and trying to lift you out of your crib even though we’ve told her not to three times already? Would she even be able to lift you by now? Would you track the dogs with your eyes, discovering your love for them already? Would you swipe your hands at all your new best friends, reaching out to pull hats and bows off their heads? Would we be FaceTiming with Caden, visiting Charlie, and taking pictures with Duke? Would your Uncle Korey be as obsessed with you as he is with your sister? Would missing grandpa be easier with you here? What would our days look like with you in them? We’re still making room for you in everything we do. We kiss you goodnight, we say “hi baby” when we see signs of you, we feel you everywhere. There’s a space where you should be, but each day it’s feeling less like a gaping hole and more like an invisible fullness. We love you, McCoy.
Bosworth, the daughter of “Real Housewives of Orange County” star Jeana Keough, gave birth to her son with Kyle Bosworth, McCoy Casey, in April. He died on April 12 after experiencing shoulder dystocia and a compressed umbilical cord during his birth. The couple also share a daughter, Decker Kate, 4.
The television personality confessed that the questions of what she could have done differently to save McCoy “plague” her, but she has found herself surrounded by friends and loved ones to help her get through her pain.
“Those who show up and ask nothing are the best kinds of friends,” she said. “The friends that can sit quietly with us without feeling the need to fill the silence with the ‘I’m sorry’s that don’t bring our babies back but instead make us feel like we need to respond with, ‘It’s OK,’ when it isn’t.”
She later added, “You never know how many people love you until you experience a loss like this. Most people don’t get the pleasure of realizing how treasured they are until their dying day. And in a way, we do die a little bit the day we lose a child; the old us is gone.”
“Yes, being a mother with empty arms becomes a strange juxtaposition,” she ended the letter. “More joyful despite suffering, more alive despite death and more loving despite loss. We ask ourselves, “Where are we supposed to put all this love, all this love that we had reserved for them?” The answer becomes so clear: all around us, of course, and into them, still. Most importantly — and with no hesitations — we must put the love back into ourselves once again.”
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