My rejected pitches for Black Mirror episodes …
Dear Charlie Brooker,
I am sending this email because I’m a big fan of your TV show Black Mirror and I know you must be desperate for new story ideas about the dangers and dilemmas of modern technology – so let me pitch you mine. (I bet nobody’s ever pitched a Black Mirror idea to you before. I’m honoured to be the first!)
A scene from the Black Mirror episode ‘The Entire History of You’.
So the other morning I went on an eyewear website to buy new glasses-frames, and I used the virtual-try-on webcam-tool (I had a bit of trouble getting the correct frame-placement, it helps to sit down if you want them on your face). Anyway, then I thought, what if, WHAT IF, the website-people were secretly watching through my webcam right now, mocking me and laughing at my poor frame choices! I don’t know where the story goes from there, Charlie, but I’m sure you could turn it into something amazing, so take it! My gift to you! (Btw: I have a million more, these are surprisingly easy to come up with.)
Hello Charlie Brooker,
I’m not sure if you got my last email because I never heard back. Maybe it disappeared into some kind of technologically-plausible Black Mirror-esque email-ether (make an episode out of THAT, haha!) Anyway, I’m writing because I thought of another really good Black Mirror story that you’re going to love. Yesterday I went to an art gallery with my wife and she loves art so she was taking her time – she was still on the second painting and I’d already done seven laps and gone to the toilet twice. So I was waiting near the exit, leaning against a wall, and I realised my buttock was resting on an $8 Tap-To-Donate Terminal, with my tap-card poking out of my back pocket! It didn’t take any money but there are lots of possibilities to explore. It’s almost Beckettian (Beckettesque?) in its comic absurdity. Run with it, Charlie, I’m excited about this one!
Hey Charlie Brooker,
I don’t know what’s going on but I’ve emailed twice with no reply, and now I’m wondering if I’ve got the right email address. Is it [email protected]? What else it could be? Look, I’m going to try one final time and pitch you a brilliant Black Mirror idea about a dating app for … dogs! Yes, dogs! Intriguing, hey? In the foreseeable future, dog owners would swipe left or right to pick dogs for their dog to mate with, and the name of the app would be – wait for it – Rin Tin-Tindr! Haha! Get your teeth stuck into that doggy bone, Charlie, it’s going to make a terrific ep (short for “episode”, but you probs know that).
Oh, Charlie Brooker,
I am so disappointed in you! I have emailed constantly over the past few weeks and your attitude has been completely unprofessional – I’m not sure I’d ever want to form a creative partnership with you anyway. So you won’t be getting any more Black Mirror ideas from ME! Not the one about the person who uses a cheap generic printer-ink-cartridge which not only voids their printer’s warranty, the printer comes to life and kills them. Or the one about the person who swears at their Google Home and the voice-assistant says “I would never speak to you like that” and the next day their wifi stops working. That happened to me, Charlie, it really happened, but you’ve missed your opportunity, you’ll never get a chance to use it. Never!
Danny Katz is a regular columnist.
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